Propel
by goldencompass
Summary: Response to the OC Slash LJ Community Quote challenge: Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life Bertolt Brecht
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them.

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The moment he saw Summer's face, he knew. It didn't matter that his own cell phone rang just moments later. He barely registered his display flashing "Dad". All he could hear was _Ryan Ryan car accident very bad Ryan hurt._ Yes, somewhere in there was the word "Marissa" but his brain skipped right over it, choosing instead to focus on the horror of _Ryan car accident hurt_.

He ran into Summer's en suite bathroom and vomited. And then he headed for the door with his girlfriend hyperventilating as she followed.

He doesn't remember driving to the hospital. All he remembers is hugging the toilet at Summer's and then Bam! His Dad's eyes, his Mom's tears and the aching wait for word. Word showed up in the form of a frazzled Doctor with a _look_ on his face. Seth hated _the look_ instantly.

Dr. Frazzled took Julie and Dr. Roberts into a side room and closed the door. The anguished wail came almost immediately after, and he was surprised he even registered it, let alone Summer's form slumping against him. His arms went around her on reflex; every other part of him was focused on the room had apparently just announced Marissa's death.

(_Dead, Marissa's dead? I should...I should really be...Ryan. What about Ryan?_)

He did not want to see his parents go into that room, so when Dr. Frazzled came out and approached his parents he almost blocked the man's way. Would have, if it hadn't been for Summer still clinging to him.

(_Summer, is she okay? What does she want me to do? Should I be rubbing her back or something?_)

If the Doctor couldn't get to his parents he couldn't tell them that Ryan was dead.

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Someone was calling his name, that much he knew. Was it Marissa? Was the ambulance there? They had to take her first, he was fine. He tried to tell them he was fine.

"Ryan, sweetie. We're here. Maybe you're not ready to wake up yet, but we're here."

No, no he definitely wasn't ready. A deeper sound next.

"We're just going to talk to the staff Ryan, insurance issues. I promise we'll be back as soon as we can."

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(_Where did Summer go?_) Something inside him knew she had gone home and missed her presence, but he had no idea when she had actually left or what she had said, or more importantly, what he had said. Where the hell was his brain?

_(Ryan...he might wake up soon.)_

Oh. **That's** where his brain was. But now that he knew Ryan was okay, shouldn't the fog have lifted? Seth curled himself into the orange cotton chair that sat beside Ryan's bed. Some part of him wondered at a hospital in Newport Beach having such a relic from the 70s. The major part of him wondered at the fact that in mere seconds his best friend, his...his Ryan... could have been taken from him.

The thought made his stomach revolt and it took all he had to keep things down. Instead, he buried his head in his knees and sobbed like a five year old.

(_Way to be a man, Seth.)_

His shame only made him cry harder, and he gave up trying to fight it. Tears meant he was still alive, breathing.

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He couldn't tell right away what the noise was. It sound far away, muffled. Marissa wasn't talking to him anymore, she had gone silent what felt like many hours ago. He kept talking to her anyway, maybe he would eventually ask a good enough question, say the right thing to make her wake up and talk to him.

Whoever it was, his brain was functioning enough to tell him that they weren't happy. Had he done something wrong again? No, they weren't angry. They were...

Crying. Someone was crying. He focused all his strength on opening at least one eye and focusing. It took longer than he expected. What he saw when he accomplished his goal ground the already broken pieces of his heart into dust. _Seth. Seth is hurting. I have to do something, but he's so far away._

He reached out his hand to breach the distance.

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Seth nearly jumped out of skin and through the ceiling when he felt the hand on his foot. He raised his head so fast he didn't even have time to stop crying or wipe his face on his sleeve. Ryan wakes up from near death and he's faced with a puffy-eyed snot-faced Seth.

(_Bet you're glad to be alive now, huh buddy?_)

"Seth? What's wrong?"

Seth laughed out loud in a way that even he knew sounded hysterical.

"Ryan, there was a car accident on the way to the airport." A blank look from Ryan and a nod.

"Yeah."

("_Yeah"? That's it?_)

He leaned forward, an unconscious movement that emphasized his emotions. "I – we almost lost you, Ryan. I was so scared."

"Yeah." This time a whole sentence in one word, Of course. Ryan must have been terrified himself.

"I guess it just hit me. All of it, that it could have been so much worse, but you're here. You're not --" He broke off as the tears started again, and he dragged the back of his hand across his eyes. Ryan's hand squeezed his foot, a small, almost amusing, gesture of comfort.

"Seth? Marissa – she." And now he could see twin tears in Ryan's eyes, though Ryan wasn't the crying type. "Is she...?"

"Ryan, I'm not sure..."

"Please, Seth. I'm asking you." It was a whisper, but Seth was sure he heard an emphasis on the last word, and understood that Ryan was asking him because right now he needed someone he trusted, someone who would be honest with him.

"She, she died, Ryan. I'm so sorry." The worst thing in the world happened then. (_Well, the second worst thing._) Ryan started crying. Noiseless, body shaking, tears. Seth did the only thing he could think of, he grabbed Ryan's hand from his shoe and laced their fingers together, his turn to offer comfort.

A few seconds later he desperately wished he had jammed his free hand in his pocket, or sat on it, or something. Because a few seconds later he had leaned forward and was softly brushing the tears off Ryan's face with his thumb.

He had a brief moment of absolute horror at his actions before feeling the small shift in movement from his friend. If he weren't out of his mind with grief he'd think that Ryan was actually leaning into his touch.


	2. Chapter 2

The doctor announced early the next morning that he could go home. Kirsten had objected at first, thinking it was too fast, that Ryan hadn't even technically left the emergency room to be admitted to the general hospital ward. The doctor insisted that there was nothing more Ryan needed to be at the hospital for, and gently pointed out that there were other emergency patients that could use the bed.

Kirsten couldn't argue with that, even though you could tell that she wanted to, and shortly thereafter she began excusing herself to go pick up some clothes for Ryan.

He felt his stomach fall out of his body when she started walking out the door. None of them had left his side all night, and the sudden knowledge that he wouldn't know where she was, if she was okay, sent a wave of tension through his body.

"Don't go, please!" he exclaimed. Embarrassed at his sudden outburst, he continued quietly, "I can wear my old clothes home." Everyone was staring at him. "I just – there's no reason for you to waste your time."

"Sweetie, you'll be a lot more comfortable in clean clothes. I don't mind." As she left he had to look away, and felt his hands reflexively fist in the sheets. A brush of a hand across his forehead and then Sandy's voice whispering in his ear.

"She'll be back, kid. She'll be fine."

He chose to believe it, because If Sandy said it, it had to be the truth,

He didn't think he had ever seen Ryan scared before. Sure, he expected Ryan had been scared in the past, but he had never actually **seen** him look like it. One more new experience he wished he didn't have to have.

His Mom had returned with the clothes, Ryan had visibly relaxed and his discharge from the hospital had gone smoothly. Until now. They stood in the middle of the parking lot, Ryan fixated on the Rover and the Cohens fixated on Ryan.

"I didn't think – I mean of course we'd have to --." Seth watched as Ryan swiveled towards his Dad. He mentally added "scared little boy" to his list of Previously Unseen Ryan Facial Expressions. He was really starting to dislike this list.

"Sandy, I -" Ryan reached a hand out to the older man and then suddenly bent at the waist and vomited. Before Seth could blink his Dad was at Ryan's side rubbing his back and whispering quiet comforting nonsense, and his Mom was on the other side, tissue in one hand and a pack of gum in the other. Who knew his parents were faster than Superman?

After availing himself of the tissue and the gum, Ryan attempted to compose himself, and they all climbed in the car. But sitting beside him in the backseat, Seth could see that Ryan was upset. His head was leaned back against the seat, eyes closed, but his hands were shaking. After a moment he turned towards Seth and opened his eyes wearily. This time, Seth knew what he was doing.

He scooched as close to Ryan as his seatbelt would allow, and then shrugged his left shoulder, a silent offering he wasn't sure would be understood. But Ryan's eyes locked on his, a steadiness in his gaze that hadn't been there in the last 12 hours. Seth hoped the answer in his own return look was just as sure, if not more so. And then Ryan sighed, rested his head on Seth's shoulder and closed his eyes again.

Seth caught his father's eyes in the rear view mirror, questions and concern all over the man's face. But he didn't care. He stared back, almost daring his Dad to say something.

Marissa was dead at 17, a life far, far too short. Seth wasn't going to risk being afraid. Not anymore. He could die tomorrow, the weight of that realization was so heavy now. It was almost like he hadn't believed it before, that he could die. He knew now, and he couldn't afford not to take the important risks.

When his father gave a small smile and turned his eyes back to the road, Seth leaned his head against Ryan's and fell asleep.

By the time Ryan quietly asked to sleep in the main house, no one was surprised. A voice in his head told him he was being weak, but that was his Before Accident voice, the BA voice had no place in his now After Accident world, and he easily dismissed it.

He wanted to be near them. No, no he needed to be near them in a way that was so basic, so fundamental it was like his need for oxygen. In fact, he was starting to suspect that oxygen was slipping to number two. He wasn't himself, he knew it, but in some ways he was being a Ryan he had always wanted to be. He was being vulnerable and it was scary, but he had needed them Before, he just couldn't bring himself to show it. Now, After, he realized he couldn't afford to let the fear control him. There wasn't enough time to be scared; not of love, of having a real family.

"Of course, sweetheart," Kirsten broke into his thoughts. "You never have to ask to be in the house with us. We can even move some of your stuff in from the pool house if you decide to make it permanent."

He smiled and knew that Marissa, wherever she was, would be happy to see him opening up.

Marissa.

Suddenly his dinner tasted like sour milk.

Seth's subconscious bombarded him, allowing no relaxation, even in sleep.

The fire at the model home, Ryan screaming as he burned. Donnie and the gun, a bullet ripping through Ryan's chest in slow motion. Oliver, ditto. Trey, beating him to death, Ryan a broken body in a casket. The accident. Ryan dying while Seth made out with Summer. Ryan calling his name.

In his sleep, Seth returned the call. He woke with the name on his lips and the reality kneeling beside his bed, one hand on his shoulder.

"Seth, it's a dream. Just a dream."

"Ryan are you real?"

A small chuckle. "Yeah, I'm real."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

A pause, and then "You didn't. I was – I was already in here."

"Why? I mean, it's cool, I just, I mean -" Damn, he babbled even when he was half asleep.

"I had a nightmare."

(_Banner night for the Cohen household_)

"Tell me?" Ryan begins to sit, but Seth can't stop himself and reaches out to grab him. "Climb in, more comfortable." Ryan hesitates only a moment before getting in the bed and lying on his back between Seth and the wall.

(_Holy body heat_)

Shaking off the thought, he turned onto his side to give the other boy his full attention.

"Marissa?" he asked.

"Yeah," came Ryan's answer. "I was holding her, outside of the car. On the road. While she died."

He gripped Ryan's arm. "I'm sorry Ryan."

"Is it all right if I stay?"

"Of course. Always. It'd make me feel better too."

As he was falling asleep Seth heard Ryan whispering. "In the dream, as I was holding her, as she was dying – she turned into you. It was you I was holding."

Seth didn't think he was supposed to hear that, so he pretended to be asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

They were woken in the morning by Kirsten shaking them both on the shoulder, telling them that it was past 10. He glanced at Seth, trying to gage his reaction to his mother finding them sleeping in the same bed, and found himself oddly relieved when Seth didn't seem to care. He simply turned to Kirsten and said,

"Morning Mom. We'll be down in a little bit." And that was that.

Ryan told himself that his inability to finish his breakfast had nothing to do with Summer calling and asking Seth to come over. He understood, intellectually, why it made perfect sense for her to do so. But he still followed Seth to the car (_I'm just walking him out_, he told himself) and quietly asked him to be safe, to come home.

He watched as Seth flushed and looked down at his shuffling feet. "I'll make you a promise you make me one in return." He finally responded.

"Sure, what?"

"I promise never to leave you if you promise never to leave me." The conviction in Seth's voice stunned him into silence. He wanted to believe him, he did. But Ryan was a subject matter expert at people leaving, and it seemed they always did. Even when they didn't mean to, or want to. Like Marissa.

"I'm sorry," Seth said then. "Maybe I'm being weird, minty. I'm sorry. All of this has just made me a girl, apparently." He began to turn away, and Ryan reached out to grab his arm. There seemed to be a lot of that going on lately, he mused. Why was everyone turning away from each other when they should be turning to each other?

"No! No. I mean, I get it. It's just, people die, Seth." His voice cracked.

Seth turned back towards him. "I promise not to leave you." And Ryan got it. He understood.

"I won't leave you either."

Summer looked like hell.

"You look like hell, Cohen."

He tried to crack a smile. "Thanks so much Summer, right back at you."

"Oh Seth!" she said, and launch herself at him. He wrapped his arms around her, and just stood there like that for several minutes.

"Uh, Summer? Not that I'm not appreciating the moment, but maybe we could move inside now?"

She made a face he was quite sure if it was disgust, embarrassment, annoyance or all of the above. Maybe it was just sadness. "We could," she began, "but the atmosphere in there isn't all that great, with Julie..." her voice broke and Seth saw her eyes fill. She shook herself out of it though. "Maybe we can just take a walk?"

"Sure, of course." It took him a minute or so of walking in silence to mentally kick himself in the ass and realize that she was probably looking for him to say something. "How are you doing, Summer?"

At first she just shrugged and stared straight ahead, and it took him a moment to notice the tears at the corners of her eyes.

"I'm...surviving. It hasn't even been two full days yet and it feels like forever. But then..."

"You can't imagine how this much time has already gone by so fast?"

She finally turned to look at him with a sad smile. "Yeah. Exactly."

"How come you haven't called, Seth?" It was a quiet, honest question with an underlying tone that made him feel sad and transparent.

"I don't know, Summer, I really don't. I've just been trying to get my head on straight. Everything is so confusing now. It just seems like it's all so important now, every minute, every action. Like now suddenly I have to decide how each second is spent so I don't lose it or regret it. I'm truly sorry."

"So you decided to spend your minutes, your seconds, away from me?"

"I – I -" He stumbled. There was no real way to answer that.

"It's okay, Seth, because you may not have noticed, but I didn't call either until this morning. I decided to spend my time away from you, too. I mean it wasn't a decision against **you**, I just felt the need to be with other people more."

He couldn't say anything, there wasn't anything to say, except maybe, "Everything has changed. And keeps changing."

She held his hand and then blurted, "I'm going away for the summer. My Aunt's got a place in Chicago. My Dad and I talked about it last night." He opened his mouth to speak but she kept right on talking. At least she'd learned something from him. "I need this Seth. I need to get away. You of all people should understand. Your best friend moved away and you left town. My best friend – at least Ryan was still alive."

She had him there.

"You know I'll miss you like crazy."

"No you won't. Not totally. Besides, you need to help chino right now. I think he needs you, probably more than I do."

"Wow, Summer, that's really -"

"Selfless? Sensitive? Astute? I know. Mark the date on your calendar."


	4. Chapter 4

The morning of the funeral Ryan just wanted to keep sleeping and have one of the Cohen's wake him when it was all over. He obligation to do "the right thing" however, moved him out of bed and into the shower.

He had managed the suit, all of it, except the tie. His hands were shaking too hard to get the job done. He couldn't help but think back to his first weekend in Newport Beach, Sandy tying his tie for him.

As if drawn by the memory, he saw Sandy appear in the mirror.

"How you doing, kid?"

"Not so good. I just can't seem to get it together." Then, quieter, if possible, "I don't want to do this. Can we not do this?"

"I'm afraid not, son. Marissa deserves all of us to be there." A pause. "Need some help?"

"Tie" was all that made it past the lump in his throat.

"Well, lucky we've got practice with this, hmm?" With that, he brought his hands around Ryan and tied what felt like a noose. Ryan shook like a dry leaf in the wind and decided just to give into it, leaning back into his guardian. Like a rock, Sandy took his weight, hugging him. Ryan thought he felt a kiss on the top of his head.

"Ryan, look at me." He couldn't disobey, and met the man's eyes in the mirror. "No matter what, you are my son and a part of this family. Kirsten and I are solid on this. Nothing will change that. We love you."

"Yeah, Kirsten told me." Ryan forced a small smile.

_He almost didn't notice the knock on his door, it was so soft._

"_Come in."_

"_Hey there." An awkward silence ensued while Kirsten looked around the room. "God, I should have re-done this room a long time ago. I should have re-done it after you moved in, had you in here right away, not alone in the poolhouse. I'm sorry for that."_

"_Kirsten, it's cool. I **wanted** the poolhouse. Until..."_

"_Yes, until." She sat on the bed. "Ryan, I know losing Marissa has been tough on you, and maybe left you feeling confused. I know Sandy and I are. And Seth too." There seemed to be some weight in that last bit. "I want you to know that we love you, and we'll be there for you."_

"_Thanks. You guys have been phenomenal. There's so much I owe you."_

"_No! You don't owe us anything, Ryan. Not me, not Sandy and especially not Seth."_

_That got him to meet her look._

"_What do you mean, 'especially not Seth'?"_

"_I just worry that you do things to please him, and that right now when you're a bit vulnerable, I don't want you doing anything out of fear, or even worse, a sense of obligation."_

_If she was saying what he thought she was saying...well. _

"_What if it's not fear or obligation. What if it's because I want to?"_

"_Well then I will be able to sleep soundly at night." She kissed his cheek and left._

The minister said all the right things, At least Ryan thought he did, he wasn't really listening. Most of the service was a blur, except for a brief moment when Julie, of all people, gave his hand a squeeze. That brought him back to the real world, albeit briefly. Before he knew it, Marissa's casket was being lowered into the ground.

_God I've turned into a fucking cliche,_ he thought, as the world swirled a little. For a moment he truly thought he might pass out. He dug his nails into his palm and grappled blindly for Seth's arm beside him.

"Dude, Ryan, deep breath. It's almost over."

And then it was. He didn't even know how much time had passed, and then all of a sudden Kirsten and Sandy were telling him they'd be waiting for him at the car.

He just stared at the hole in the ground, trying to do something, move somehow, stop being numb.

"I really loved her, you know." He hadn't meant to blurt that out, and Seth froze momentarily beside him. "I mean, maybe it wasn't the same any more, and maybe it wasn't enough, but I did."

Despite himself, he started crying. _Fucking Damn it! _He rubbed the tears away, and felt himself being drawn into a hug. He was grateful for Seth's touchy-feely ways.

"It was enough, Ry, I promise you it was."

"I'm not even sure she knew." He said into Seth's shoulder. "I never really said it. I'm not good at that."

"She knew. I know she did. Everyone knows you love them, Ryan, even if you don't say it."

"Do you? Do you know?"

"Do you know?"

Seth tried not to react to what he thought he had heard. Ryan's voice was muffled by his suit jacket, and the other boy wasn't looking at him.

He thought maybe this was the first time in his entire life he'd ever been rendered speechless. He tongue felt like it was stuck to the roof of his mouth.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Ry."

"Do you know that I love you?" Ryan pulled back to look at him, and if Seth didn't know any better, he's say he was blushing. _Sheepish and Shy_, he mentally added to his list of Ryan facial expressions. His own facial expression at the moment probably resembled that of a fish.

"Of course, Ryan. You're my best friend, my --"

"If you say 'brother' I just might lose it for good, I'm warning you."

Seth laughed in spite of himself. "I love you, too, Ryan. It feels weird saying it, but that doesn't make it any less true."

"I think I mean it in a different way than you do, Seth."

This time the laughter was full out and disbelieving. "You've got to be kidding me, Ryan!" That look. It dawned on him that it may be a very long time before Ryan truly believed that he was loved, and longer still to believe himself worthy. "Ryan, I _sailed away_ when you left town."

"You were always one for grand gestures, Seth."

_Oh for fuck's sake._ "Well then I guess it'll be in character for me to make one now," he said quietly to himself, taking a step towards Ryan.

"Wha--"

He would laugh at himself later, at the movie-like moves he made that day, at the sheer strangeness and sadness of the memory. And he would marvel how it had seemed so easy, one minute he was striding toward his friend, the next he had one had cupping Ryan's neck and he was kissing him in a gentle, but very pointed way.

After only seconds he broke away, and Ryan stepped back too, and Seth saw tears on his flushed cheeks.

"Ryan? I -"

"It's fine, I, just. There's been so much lately."

"Yeah, like the last three years?" He earned himself a wane smile for that one.

"I'll meet you at the car?"

"Sure, sure." With one last look back at the grave and a squeeze to Ryan's hand, he left, fingers warming where Ryan had squeezed back.

After several minutes of just staring at the grave before him, Ryan leaned over and grabbed a handful of dirt, slowly releasing it from his fingers onto the casket. The sound made him flinch, but didn't stop him.

"I'm sorry, Marissa. I can't even tell you how much. Everything's so fucked up now that you're gone. I guess maybe Seth and I shouldn't have done that _here_, but I think you'd understand. Maybe you would have laughed at us for taking so long."

"Or maybe you didn't see it coming at all, and maybe you would have been upset. Yeah."

"But everything's different now, Marissa. We're all so fucking terrified. I wish you were here. You never seemed scared of anything."

"But then again, maybe that was the problem."

"Bye Marissa."


End file.
